Julia Child was the American queen of French cooking. I am not. She is credited with bringing French cuisine into American homes through her work on the widely popular cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. In the sixties, she went on to star in her immediately successful television show, The French Chef. Since then, she wrote more books, made more shows and continued to charm America with her bold cooking and even bolder personality.

“The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking, you’ve got to have a what-the-hell attitude,” she said during one of her episodes.

The other day I got thinking about my progress in learning to be a functioning adult, particularly in the area of food. I think nearly everyone could say they have a horror story from the kitchen. It seems like most of mine are from college. Duct taping a bowl around my smoke detector, more than once, comes to mind.

Every college dorm building I’ve been in has had at least a small kitchen, usually in a commons area. What exactly does the college expect students to be making, likely without pots, pans, utensils or motivation?

Two years ago, I decided to put my dorm kitchen to the test, slap on my own “what-the-hell” attitude and attempt one of Julia Child’s most popular dishes, boeuf bourguignon. The following is my documentation of the experience, which I recently rediscovered, from deep in the files of my computer.

The words “boeuf bourguignon” literally translate to beef burgundy. It is a beef stew that is cooked in red wine. My first mistake was thinking I had read “red wine vinegar.” I think you already know where this is going. But I was determined to try out the well-known recipe from Julia’s first episode of The French Chef.

I’ll be the first to say I am not the best cook. The only foods in my dorm room are Ramen and two slices of bread I took from the dining center. In the past two years, I have only cooked during the holidays, but I do make a mean Kraft mac and cheese.

However, it turns out that even one of the most famous chefs didn’t know how to cook at my age. Julia didn’t start cooking until her 30s. According to The Julia Child Foundation, she only enrolled in cooking school to prepare herself for married life. 

Her fiancé, Paul once said, “I was willing to put up with that awful cooking to get Julia.” 

Even though Julia didn’t start with an advanced dish in her college dorm, she wasn’t always the amazing chef we know. 

With this in mind, I put on some Dolly Parton and went to work.

The tricky thing about cooking without a kitchen of your own is that you have no place to store extra food. I got about half of the ingredients I needed from a friend, so I wouldn’t have to waste a lot of food. The other half I got at a grocery store. I didn’t realize how much more expensive real cooking is! The ingredients were fairly common, so I didn’t have much trouble finding them at my local grocery.

I put my supplies on the already crumby counter of the dormitory’s basement kitchen and climbed to the sixth floor of the building to get the few things I did have: a silverware set, a mug, a plate and a knife. Important note: make sure you have a knife, because the dorms don’t give them out, for obvious reasons. I preheated the oven and proceeded to do my best to follow the recipe.

I crisped (and ate) bacon, dried and browned beef and sautéed vegetables. As could be expected, I ran into a few challenges. The pans and pot I used were not the right sizes, so at times it was hard to make sure everything was evenly cooked. Without any measuring cups my “eyeballing it” skills got some practice. The one ingredient missing was tomato paste. This was due to the fact that I had broken the school’s can opener. Don’t worry, I will buy them a new one.

After adding some vinegar, garlic and thyme, I attempted to pry open the tomato paste. I gave up and covered the mixture in beef stock. Just enough to cover the already tender beef. I read the next line of the recipe. My empty stomach sank. 

“Cook, covered, for about three hours.”

Three hours? No college student has three hours just to cook a meal. I cranked the heat and decided to fill that time with a smidgen of singing, a dash of French homework and a pinch of talking to myself.

Once finished, it looked like a pretty typical beef stew. Soggy carrots and onions were mixed in with chunks of beef and seasoned with spices. A couple passerby students commented on the smell. It smelled like a midwestern grandma’s kitchen when she knows her company will arrive in just a few hours. Like a hearty home cooked meal.

When the dish had just gone in the oven, I got a call from the dorm’s resident assistant who had helped me check out some pans and utensils. She needed them back already because the desk was closing, but the dish took about two hours in the oven. I decided to take one for the team and surrender my student ID until the next evening. You can’t rush perfection! Well, mediocrity.

If you’re wondering how it tasted, that’s exactly it – tremendously mediocre. Bon appétit!